Someone Asks:
I know this is a little epic for a 2 12 year old, my friend and I wrote it.
CHAPTER 1
Blood.
Blood.
That's all she could see.
Blood.
Who had it come from?
Was it her's?
Molly was not sure of anything.
She started to become lightheaded. But, she always became lightheaded at the glance of blood.
More, and more. It didn't stop. Why wasn't it stopping?
The rocks.
CHAPTER 2
It had started out as a normal family vacation for Molly and Lucas. They went tubing, fishing, and camping. Adventurous, you may say, but only Lucas. Molly was more of a "stay at home" girl. Lucas was about 4 years older than Molly. At this point in time, Molly was 12, and Lucas was 16.
The rock bluffs were famous, not for their pretty sight, but their record to kill.
Molly and Lucas had both suffered the loss of their dad, and the disease almost killing their mom. Both had a record or hurting themselves on the outside to stop the pain on the inside. Lucas was always protecting his sister, from herself.Im going to revise ch. 2 a bit.
Dear Diary,
I think these vacations are a waste of time. Sure, Lucas and I had preoblems with dad's death, and even more with mom's cancer, that doesn't mean we are not capable of having fun without vacation.
But, I could tell by the look in Lucas's eyes that he was excited. Shouldn't the youngest be more inthused than the oldest? Well, not in my world. In my world, people hurt themselves on the outside to get rid of pain on the inside. In my world, i sit alone slashing my wrists out of guilt. In my word, I'm all... alone. Well, you could say I'm alone in the world, but I'm not. I have my brother, I've always had my brother. I love Lucas no matter how annoying or gross he is. He's my brother, and im his sister. We should protect eachother, shouldn't we? Both of us try, but there's one thing that neither of us can protect eachother from, guilt. I started to get mentally sick after Dad died, Lucas started after I did.
-Molly
My Answer:
To be honest, not really.
I'm sure the story is awesome, but the way it is executed...isn't.
For example, you two should get into writing in active voice. An example of that would be like this:
Passive Voice: She started to become lightheaded.
Active Voice: She became lightheaded.
Active voice draws in readers more.
Another thing is that you are TELLING and not SHOWING us the situaton. You are giving us a LOT of backstory. You are telling us about their family vacation, you are telling us about their age (which to me is pretty amateurish), you tell us straight away about a disease they have. You have to find a way to weave and incoporate this into your story without telling us. If you need more help on the Show, not tell rule, you can research it. Of course, with proper execution, there are some exceptions to that.
As for what you got so far, I like your Chapter 1. I suppose it doesn't appeal to me because that kind of stuff isn't really my thing. I think your Chapter one would be better off as a prologue, as it seems more prologue-ish.
To answer your question: No, I do not want to read more.
But you know what, I hope you learn from what I said and you two become even BETTER. Never stop writing. :)
Good luck.
I'm sure the story is awesome, but the way it is executed...isn't.
For example, you two should get into writing in active voice. An example of that would be like this:
Passive Voice: She started to become lightheaded.
Active Voice: She became lightheaded.
Active voice draws in readers more.
Another thing is that you are TELLING and not SHOWING us the situaton. You are giving us a LOT of backstory. You are telling us about their family vacation, you are telling us about their age (which to me is pretty amateurish), you tell us straight away about a disease they have. You have to find a way to weave and incoporate this into your story without telling us. If you need more help on the Show, not tell rule, you can research it. Of course, with proper execution, there are some exceptions to that.
As for what you got so far, I like your Chapter 1. I suppose it doesn't appeal to me because that kind of stuff isn't really my thing. I think your Chapter one would be better off as a prologue, as it seems more prologue-ish.
To answer your question: No, I do not want to read more.
But you know what, I hope you learn from what I said and you two become even BETTER. Never stop writing. :)
Good luck.
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